Spare Change

“josh, after you make enough $$ to pay of your school debt, will you be
free? you are too beautiful to hold yourself captive in a game that is not
sincere to your heart. choose a different game. sincerity in thought, word, and action ...”

Back to this. It’s always back to this. What’s in loving hating living breathing learning. Kaput.

[twenty minute splayed at work]

I wanna do the right thing if the right thing means I won’t need ya –
It’s only cause of this, of this only cause it hurts.
Tear a bullet through it all, rip down my sky
Cause all I’m waiting for is the word

I wanna be what you want me to be but why does it come down to me.
We’re all talk but talking is all I wanna do,
I’m leaving tomorrow, leaving this place this time
Flying on a plane, going insane, cause it’s just us two

Cause messing up aint hard if all I can really see is me
Losing my mind, going in circles it’s all cliched
But I’m running to you anyways cause you’re a fake
Cause they all don’t know what they don’t mean to say

C:
It’s all really loud in here
And I can’t hear anything
Cause you, you’re so clear [dear]
Wanna be free and it’s crazy
I’m all that’s left of me

It's not about faith or luck or joy or hope or truth. Cause truth endures luck and luck receives meaning from faith and borrows the memory of joy and well, joy revels in luck and luck, well, what is truth if not lucky - if not?

i'm in new york and reveling in the urban winter of lights and dirty slush on the streets and people shopping with gifts and bags and toy stores ablazing with candles and smiling beaming kids. i'm in the cold east coast winter working in finance buying/selling analyzing companies - what makes them tick, what makes them go, what makes them? and it's ok, it's fun sometimes, exciting almost, but also it's a drear sometimes but then other times i'm thinking, woosh, soon soon i'll be decent enough and have a little bit of legroom - a bit of grease in my wallet to GO. go! yep, and yes dear stefani, whereever you are, let's think! what are you going to do? i want to start a little business somewhere. somewhere far off, like n-zed, something that makes me ponder and think and excited and then oh, i dunno. but yeah, before all that, i'm taking a world trip, boats and trains and aeroplanes and all that - soon, in year or maybe a lil' bit later.. but that's what i'm gearing for.

when you have the time, you have to tell me about how the rest of new zealand. that girl. that place. all of it. but in the meanwhile, jump into it, miss, cause i know you are. i can see you laughing right now, head thrown back - a phenomenon!

i'm thinking about kayaking in the vancouver islands this summer to chase some whales.. that might be a reprieve of some sorts.

josh

Oh I love women. Not girls. Women. I love their hourglass shape… how they walk like so, sashaying through the halls, floating on something sugary delectably sweet – how they flow from side to side in slim pants and smoothed cardigans; their swaying hair – I love their scents, perfumed intangibly sexual and sweet - makes me think of bubble baths and springtime orchards and sex. But aromatized, genie in a bottle pink-purple cotton candied poetic sex and not the squirming sweaty grunting biological sex. I love their femininity, those girlish ways of using exclamations, those pouty loaded questions and vague intent answers. I love their smoothness and the lotioned fingertips, the nape of the necks and the lean lines of their legs. Legs and thighs and wrists and ankles and shoulders. Fluttering eyelashes and peekaboo darling eyes and peach tinted lips, lush and lascivious. I love how women retain their “it thing”, their charm even under duress, when stressed they still glide like so… like swans. I love their whispers and their irrationality.

Of course, I only love certain kinds of women. To quote my buddy M, “Fat chicks need loving too, just not from me.”

So the plans for this weekend are somewhat complicated; if not complicated then at least it will take some planning. I’m planning to slowly move into my new apartment, which means, I have to get the necessary supplies for moving first. And then it’s the fun process of painting and all that jazz. But I don’t really know when I can move in because I don’t know when the girl living there right now will move out – I think her last day is Saturday, but she might be out by Friday. Friday there’s a Christmas party at the advertising place where I last work, and for some reason I’m invited. Free drinks. But then, if I go, it’ll be with this girl I worked with, but I haven’t spent time with the gf in two weeks. But if I start the moving/buying process, I won’t really spend time with her anyways. And also, besides that, I have to set aside time to find some furniture, if only so I have something to sleep on. Which means Saturday will be a bore. But then, I also need time to pick out gifts for people – although I doubt that will happen since work has already been pushed back to the weekend; which means I don’t really have time to move or spend time with anyone after all. That and an ex gf is coming into town and she wants to meet up. In actuality, it’s not that difficult. I suppose I just want to….

I hate it when I have nothing to do except to recount what I don’t have time to do.